Demystifying the High School Application Process

 

Kyle: Thank you for taking the time today to talk about the important work you do with our seventh- and eighth-grade students and families, Kristen. Why don’t we start with your telling us what brought you to Cathedral School for Boys.

 

Kristen: Three months after I graduated from college, I started teaching history at an all-girls boarding school in Upstate New York. I was so lucky to start my teaching career at a boarding school because it is such an immersive environment. I got to know my students so well seeing them in different capacities, in the classroom, on the athletic field, and in the dorms. Knowing my students outside of class made the classroom teaching easier and more rewarding. I taught at that school for three years, and then I came back to California, where I grew up. I taught at an independent, co-ed high school in Marin for five years, and then I moved to Hong Kong. Eventually, I came back to that same high school, Branson, which some of our students attend.

 

At Branson, I was in admissions, I was dean of freshmen, and I taught history on and off while I had my three children. After Branson, a friend of mine who was a parent here, knew the high school counselor job was available and thought I’d be a great fit. I knew Cathedral alums when I was teaching at Branson, and they were always great kids, really involved in the community, and just nice boys. I thought, if I were to work in an all-boys middle school, Cathedral is where I would want to be. So here I am.

 

I think my background as a high school teacher and in the admissions process — seeing eighth graders apply to high school from the other side — makes me a better high school counselor. I read a lot of files when I was at Branson, both as a teacher and as somebody in the admission office. Now I can help our students navigate that process, remembering what it was like to read all those files, which files really stood out, and which files felt too prepared, too perfect.

 

Kyle: You developed good instincts.

 

Kristen: Yes. What’s most compelling in high school admissions, I think, is reading the application of a student who comes across as authentic, someone who’s interesting and interested in a very authentic, genuine way. They don’t have to be the most polished kid, but if they’re curious about the world around them, they’re going to be an interesting high school student too.

 

Kyle: How else does authenticity come through in a high school application?

 

Kristen: In an interview situation, for example, a student can be authentic if they’re genuinely curious about the school and talk about their interests in an engaging way. I worked with an eighth grader who was interested in myrmecology — the study of ants. He wasn’t making that up! That was an authentic interest. He could talk a lot about ants. Authenticity comes through when it feels real, rather than canned answers that seem like the “right” answer. My most frequent advice to students is to “be yourself” (the best version of themselves, of course!).

 

Kyle: You’re very good at keeping our eighth-grade families up to date on the high school admissions process. For our parents with younger students, how would you describe that process?

 

Kristen: The high school admissions process is really a year-long process that begins in the spring of seventh grade. Actually, one could argue that it’s a many-years-long process as a student develops the skills and awareness they need as they prepare for high school, but we start in earnest in the spring of seventh grade. I meet with the seventh-grade class every two weeks in our High School Counseling class. At that point, the purpose is to expose the boys to the idea of high school and the application process and to let me start to understand who they are as individuals. I also introduce the whole process to the parents in the spring of seventh grade in an evening meeting.

 

Then I meet with each student and his parents over the course of the last few months of the seventh-grade school year. That’s a really interesting time of getting to know the student. It’s kind of an interview with the student to see how comfortable he is with an adult he doesn’t know really well, and it’s a time to hear from the parents about their hopes and dreams for their son. A lot of the value of that meeting comes from having the student hear their parents talk about what they want for their child in high school. No one says in that meeting, “I want my kid to go to X college.” They all say, “I want my child to make great friends. I want my child to continue to love learning. I want my child to have fun. Most of all, I want my son to be happy.” I think it’s really important for the student to hear that in a neutral setting at the beginning of the process.

 

Those meetings are a fun way for me to get to know the students and the families, and they’re valuable for tone setting, for the students to hear what their parents hope for them for high school. It’s valuable as well for the parents to hear what their student is thinking about high school.

 

Then, the summer between seventh and eighth grade, my advice to students and their parents is to have experiences. Do things you’ve never done before. Read a lot of books. It doesn’t mean you have to travel to exotic places — just have experiences. I’d like students and families to be thinking about what they want the next four years to look like, after Cathedral. What do you want those four years to be? Ask yourself, What kind of a learner am I? What kind of a person am I? What kind of environment will really suit me? And I encourage families to have those conversations in really casual ways.

 

And then the fall of their eighth-grade year begins, and it’s busy from the beginning with signing up for all kinds of admission events, which is a stressor.

 

Kyle: Admission events at the high schools?

 

Kristen: Yes. Open houses, student visits, parent nights, athletic and arts nights. If you went to all of the events that a high school offers, and you looked at five or six schools, you would be busy every single night and weekend. Signing up for events and then going to the events is very busy in the first part of the fall.

 

Kyle: Are they events where both the parents and the kids go?

 

Kristen: Each event is different, and every school is different. Some have day-long student visits, and the parents are there for a portion. Some have student visits that are just two hours, and the parents just drop the student off. Every school is different, and that also makes the process complicated because you have to figure out what each school requires and what each school offers.

 

Kyle: Are you talking as well about the high school lunch visits with our eighth graders here at Cathedral?

 

Kristen: Those are different. I think it’s a really nice thing that we invite local high schools to come to Cathedral, and they’re very happy to do that. One of the reasons I like the visits to Cathedral is that the information the students get in these lunchtime visits is not new information to them if they’ve already gone to the school, so it puts them kind of in the driver’s seat. They’re on their home turf, and it’s a small group of kids, their friends, who are all gathered around this admission representative. They get to ask questions and have a really casual conversation. I think it showcases our students well because they’re comfortable. They can hear the information a little bit better, too, because they’re more relaxed.

 

Kyle: When a high school representative comes here, they don’t chat with the whole eighth grade?

 

Kristen: Right, it’s just kids who are interested in that particular school. Then, after the students have explored the various schools and narrowed down their list of schools, they begin writing their applications. It is a big project on top of all of their schoolwork. I try to lead them through it in a way that seems manageable. I encourage them to have a thesis for what they want to communicate about themselves through their application. Then I ask them to think about how they’re going to communicate those things through their applications.

 

Kyle: Does the High School Counseling class meet every two weeks?

 

Kristen: Yes.

 

Kyle: Is it throughout the whole year or just in the fall, through applications?

 

Kristen: I start in the spring with the seventh grade when the eighth graders are finished with the process, and then I carry the eighth grade through March, when admission decisions are announced.

 

Kyle: How complicated can the applications be?

 

Kristen: They’re not complicated, but it is a lot of work. A lot of what we talk about in the fall High School Counseling class is just getting down to the work and tackling it a little bit at a time.

 

The students are asked to answer questions like, describe a moment of growth or describe something that brings you joy. Those are easy questions in some ways, but they’re also not. Many students might be inclined to write about soccer, but you can’t have 36 essays about soccer. How do you communicate something else that is fundamental to who you are besides your love of soccer? These questions ask the students to be introspective.

 

Something else we talk about a lot with eighth graders is interviewing skills. Most of the high schools interview each of the students — it looks a little different at some of the schools. Sometimes it’s a one-on-one interview with an adult. Sometimes it’s a small group of applicants. Sometimes it’s a group project. It takes different shapes. This to me is one of the rewards of this process. It’s a lifelong skill to be able to sit down with someone you don’t know and have a conversation with them, and in a high-stakes environment where you’re a little nervous. We talk a lot about how to sit, how to smile, where your eyes go. We talk a lot about tips like that, but I also ask them to think about what they want to share about themselves, how do they want to come across? Again, my most frequent advice to the students is BE YOURSELF.

 

I hope to teach the students things that will have some reward for them beyond the application process. What are the redeeming qualities of this process beyond just getting into high school?

 

Kyle: What life skills they can learn.

 

Kristen: Yes. Organization. Advocating for yourself. How can you get a spot in an open house if it’s filled up? You can email the admissions director and see if you can get a spot, or you can get on a waitlist. They learn a lot about navigating simple logistics through this process. I also hope that they learn a lot about who they are. In a lot of ways, this is the first time they’re being asked, “Who are you?” Especially if they’ve been here since kindergarten, they’ve just kind of gone along. Sure, we all have some sense of who we are as we start growing up, but I think they’re really asked in this process, “Who are you, and who do you want to be?” It’s really exciting to see that growth. From the spring of seventh grade to the spring of eighth grade, they really do have a much better developed sense of who they are and who they want to be.

 

Then they submit their applications in January.

 

Kyle: Are they all due at the same time?

 

Kristen: Basically, yes. The local school applications are due early in January, and the boarding school applications are due in mid-January. Then they wait, and while we’re awaiting decisions, the High School Counseling class still meets. In some ways, this is my favorite time because we shift to topics like, How do we start high school off on the right foot? What are the skills and tools that I already have that will help me as I go to high school? I poll the students to find out what they’re worried about, and they’re always worried about the same things: Will I make friends? Will there be too much homework? Will I like my school? We talk about those things. We go through scenarios. What happens if your new high school friend wants to copy your Spanish homework? What do you do? Various scenarios they might find themselves in and how to address them.

 

Then, as we get closer to decisions, we talk a little bit more about dealing with admission decisions. What happens if you get into your favorite school and your friend doesn’t, or the other way around? How do you make a tough decision? I like to have Elisabeth, our school counselor, come in and talk with them about dealing with the emotions of the process and dealing with potential disappointment.

 

I always say to parents that it’s really hard to see our kids disappointed, and we don’t wish for that, but the earlier a child or a person learns how to cope with and move on from disappointment, the better off they’ll be, the stronger they’ll be.

 

Kyle: When do they learn?

 

Kristen: Mid-March.

 

Kyle: All at the same time?

 

Kristen: Yes. All of the local schools release decisions at 4:00pm on a Friday afternoon.

 

Kyle: Typically, how many high schools do our students apply to?

 

Kristen: It really depends on who the student is and which schools they’re applying to, but the average is about four. That said, I’ve had students who’ve applied to as few as two schools and as many as nine.

 

Kyle: How can parents of eighth-grade students best support their sons during this whole process?

 

Kristen: Communication with their son is key, I think. Talk to them openly about how they can best support their son. That looks different for every student. I actually have the students write a “Here’s how I would like you to support me” email to their parents in the fall, because it looks different for every kid.

 

Parents have a lot of anxiety, and sometimes that anxiety comes out as what can feel like nagging. In all previous application processes, the parents had control over the work and how the work got done. In this application process, the students really have to do a lot of the work on their own, and the parents try to exert control, which can come across as nagging. “Let’s work on your applications.” That doesn’t always work for students.

 

I think it’s also really important for parents to make sure their son understands that they want to find a school that will be a great environment for them for the next four years. There are a lot of different schools that can be that great school; let’s find them. It’s important to be really positive and optimistic throughout the process.

 

Kyle: Do you find that students in seventh grade or at the start of eighth grade here have a good idea of where they might want to be? Or is it all new information for them?

 

Kristen: It’s generally new. Students and families have heard a lot about the different high schools, they know their neighbor’s daughter went here or this person’s older brother went here. I think most people don’t know the details though, and that’s good. I ask parents and students to come into the process with an open mind, to try to push out some of the noise that maybe isn’t relevant to your own child or that was maybe relevant 10 years ago but no longer. Try to really look at each school through the lens of your eighth grader right now. What’s going to be a good spot for your child. I would say even if some students come into the process with a good idea of where they want to go, they often change their minds through the process. I love seeing that because it means they’re really doing a considered job of thinking about who they are and where they want to be for high school.

 

Kyle: What would you say to parents who are worried about affording high school in San Francisco?

 

Kristen: It is true that tuition is a huge expense. But it is also true that there is a lot of financial aid available. I just saw on one high school’s website that the average income for a family at that school receiving flexible tuition was $234,000. To me, that’s a high number and should be encouraging — there is a lot of aid out there. Schools want families from across the socio-economic spectrum. They want families who can pay the full tuition, they want families who can pay none of the tuition, and they want families in the middle.

 

High schools will work really hard to get families who might need flexible tuition at their school. That said, it does set a higher bar for those students. I always tell families they should be honored to receive financial aid because it’s a demonstration of how much that school wants that student in their school. The cost can be daunting, but in the five classes that I’ve seen go through the process, I’ve never seen a student’s family say they weren’t going to be able to pay for it and were going to have to go to public school. They’ve always gotten the financial aid they needed.

 

Kyle: Is the financial aid process the same for all of the high schools? Have they agreed upon a process?

 

Kristen: There are a few different financial aid platforms. This last year there were four different platforms, which meant that if you were applying to schools that used the four different platforms, you had to fill out that information four different times. I think we’re at an inflection point with Clarity, which we’re now using at Cathedral — a lot of schools seem to be adopting Clarity. It’s a lot easier on families, and if more and more schools adopt it, then it will be an easier process.

 

Kyle: Are the financial aid application deadlines in January as well?

 

Kristen: Yes, January.

 

Kyle: What are our eighth graders doing right now, where are they in the application process?

 

Kristen: Students are still busy visiting schools, which is really fun for them because they get to try on being a high school student for part of a day. They shadow along with a high school student and sit in on their classes, have lunch with them, and get a feel for high school. Over the course of the fall, I see the eighth graders coming back from visits feeling a little bit more grown-up because high school feels a lot more grown-up. There’s a lot more independence. The classroom environment feels different. I think as they get glimpses of that high school experience, it helps inform who they are here.

 

So right now eighth graders are busy visiting schools and getting a sense for which schools are the ones they’re most excited about and narrowing down their lists. They’re finishing writing their applications, thinking about the big questions. October and November are the busiest months of the process.

 

Kyle: What should parents do if they see their son becoming more and more stressed about the process, or just in general?

 

Kristen: Again, I think it comes back to communication, talking with their child and hearing what their stresses are. The unknown can be a big cause of stress. They know they’re going to high school a year from now, but they don’t know where that is, and that unknown can be really difficult to deal with.

 

Hearing what the stresses are. If it’s the workload, helping them build a strategy for attacking the workload. If it’s the fear of the unknown, letting them talk about it. Letting them know that they will go to high school and that you believe in them. Open communication, and then making sure there are days when there’s no talk of high school. Some parents say, “Okay, we’re only going to talk about high school stuff on Sunday afternoons when we take the dog for a walk. That’s the only time all week we can talk about high school as a family.” For those families, I think it’s really helpful to confine it, not let it take over their whole family life or their whole existence. Open communication, let your son know you’re always behind him, be supportive, and keep reminding him that he will go to high school.

 

Kyle: If families in seventh grade or younger want to reach out to you, should they?

 

Kristen: I do occasionally have families who reach out to me early, who want to get a jumpstart, but I don’t encourage that. It creates more stress for seventh graders, and I don’t want those students thinking about high school yet. I want them to be fully invested in the present.

 

Kyle: That’s an important message for parents to hear.

 

Kristen: Yes. And if the parents are thinking about it and experiencing anxiety themselves, that’s going to come out, and their son’s going to absorb it. I always tell parents that their attitude, their approach to the high-school process is the attitude that their son will adopt. If they are open-minded, positive, and curious, that’s the approach their child will take. If the parents are stressed out and anxious, that’s the approach their child will take too. I think it’s a really important part of my job to set the tone, and parents need to do that too.

 

Kyle: Thank you so much for everything you do to guide our students and parents through this process, Kristen. It can be such a stressful time for everyone, and I’m sure they really appreciate all the support you give them.

 

Kristen: Absolutely. Thank you for helping me demystify the process a bit.